Choosing to Love

Choosing to Love

Love is a complex emotion isn’t it? I believe God intends for love to be one of the very first emotions we feel. Most babies enter the world surrounded by people just waiting to shower love upon them. I understood that when I experienced the birth of my first child, Ainsley. I loved her instantly. It’s fair to say I loved her before she was born, but once I had her in my arms it felt a hundred times more powerful. The wonderful thing about it was it took absolutely no effort on my part. It was easy and natural. I wish all love came that easy.

The truth is that it is often much more complicated. I have three daughters and I experienced initial love differently with all three. It makes me wonder if God experiences love with each of us differently. When my daughter Daisy was born, the feeling of love did not immediately fill my soul. There were many factors involved, but primarily it was because, if I had to describe that birth experience in one word, it would be traumatic. She was born in the middle of a hurricane…literally…with no electricity or water, let alone drugs! Oh…and she was a little over 9 pounds. My first thought when they placed her on me was… “She’s heavy.”

For the next three days I experienced the “baby blues.” Basically, I didn’t want to see her…someone would bring her in to me, I would feed her and then ask if they wanted to hold her again. I wanted to feel full of love for her but instead I felt totally numb. I couldn’t tell anyone how I was feeling because I was ashamed. On top of that I worried….“Would I ever be able to love her?”

After having my first child I had assumed the experience would be the same for my second. It wasn’t. Thankfully, within the first week my heart did start beating again with the rhythm of mother love. Even though my baby blues did not last long, I wouldn’t rewrite the experience because it fills me with more compassion for those mothers who struggle with any form of post-partum.

My adopted daughter Jerilyn was yet another love experience. We adopted her when she was two and a half years old. God placed her in my heart before he placed her in my home. I knew of the situation she was in and was burdened to really begin praying for her, not anticipating we may become a part of the solution. Isn’t that how God often works? I fell in love with her through prayer. We adopted her and brought her home, where the real work began. She came to us with many difficult issues I was sure love would cure. After a lot of blood, sweat and tears she was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder.

I am not going to lie and say loving Jerilyn has always been easy, but I chose to love her over six years ago and I choose to love her for the rest of my life. Not for what she can give me, but because I can. Love does not have to be a warm fuzzy feeling all the time. No…the unconditional kind of love God calls us to is a choice. It is the choice to love, not expecting anything in return. Isn’t that the type of undeserved love we receive from the Father? “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8, NIV)

Although I cherish my initial love experience with Ainsley, I also cherish, without reservation, my love experiences with Daisy and Jerilyn. I believe they have actually taught me more and have mined the depths of my heart to discover deeper levels of love. Precious jewels cut from the hard rocks of life, absolutely priceless treasures.

Thankfully, God doesn’t wait around to love us until after we have expressed adequate amounts of love for him. I love God with all my heart, but I still fail him…too often. The real shocker is this….he knew how often I would fail him and he still decided to offer me the best of his love. It absolutely has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with God and his choice to love me. God has CHOSEN to love me!! Guess what? He has CHOSEN to love YOU too!! I don’t know about you but that gets me excited and motivated.

How about you? Who has God placed in your life you need to choose to love?

A selfish husband,

critical parent,

annoying neighbor,

deceitful co-worker?

They are not in your life by accident. We all have someone. Obviously God intends for us to learn through the experience. We have a choice to make about whether we are going to let our relationships with them make us bitter or better. It’s your choice. I say, roll up your sleeves and get to work. I’m not going to tell you it is going to be easy, but it is possible and the rewards will outweigh the effort. If it feels like a monumental task, remember what Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27, NIV)

Single Parenting Sucks Sometimes

As I write, I am in an Orlando hotel, recovering from a day of “fun” with my 8, 7 and 4 year old daughters. Vacations are over-rated in my single parenting life. It's days like today I really do wish I was married. I love my girls, but they can really wear me out!

 

It's amazing how much more stressful parenting becomes when you go outside your comfortable little bubble and venture into new places. It's like my girls take on a whole new mentality...I'm going to call it the “Let's See What We Can Get Away With” game. Although all children can play this game, single parents have to deal with the additional logistical challenge of how to discipline when their kids act out in public. There is no one to wait with the other kids while you take the deviant child to the bathroom for a quick correction. It becomes a family affair. Now you have to trudge through a restaurant with the whole crew hoping the wait staff doesn't remove your plates. You can also add the whining from the other “good” (albeit temporarily) children to your list of grievances since they have had to leave their food. If you are like me you are “plumb wore out” (as my grandma would say) by the time you get back from your discipline adventure, not to mention the fact your meal is now cold.

 

My question to you is this...what do you do when, in approximately two minutes from returning, child number two has now repeated the offense child number one was just corrected for? Do you trudge back or do you just throw in the towel and admit that they have commandeered the vacation? Honestly, it depends on the moment for me. I know the “right” thing to do, but do you ever feel, like me, that you just can't physically or emotionally cope with another challenge?

 

We all know the well-meaning how-to books on parenting tell you consistency is key, but can anyone really do that 100% of the time? I think not. I wouldn't be surprised if we single parents struggle a lot more with it as well. When I was married and I had reached my good parenting limit, I could hand over the reins. I could say, “I just can't deal with it this time.” I miss that, especially when I know I have reached my good parenting limit and there is no one there to help....my kids are doomed to my bad parenting moments.

 

I am not proud of this, but I am also not so prideful as to deny that these times do occur. These are the times when my “crazy mama scream” comes out, as my friend so aptly titled her moments when she loses it. The day then goes from bad to worse and I can't seem to find my way out to the good again. I can tell you that at some point my sanity returns and I end up needing to apologize to the kids and pray I can cope a little bit better the next time around. Then I have to let it go. I have to give myself grace otherwise the downward cycle will continue.

 

Speaking of grace, that reminds me about yesterday. We were already on our vacation and the girls had begun the maddening game mentioned above, “Let's See What We Can Get Away With.” I had planned all of these fun activities for us once we got here, careful not to pack in too much, but planning things that would last a couple hours each. Of course, one of the things that excited the girls most was the pool and spa at the hotel.

By the end of our first day, I didn't feel they deserved to go to the pool, but I also didn't want to spend our whole vacation in the hotel room. Besides, by this point, I desperately needed the spa to melt away my own stress. So, I decided to turn this lesson around, and teach about grace. I talked to them about how grace is unmerited favor and how God gives us grace by allowing us to accept the gift of Jesus. We did nothing to deserve such a gift but God gives us grace and now we can spend eternity with Him. I told them I was choosing to extend grace to them and allowing them the opportunity to do something fun...even though their actions didn't warrant it. I'm not sure they cared about the reason they received grace, but I know they were sure happy to have it come around. Good thing I taught them a little about it, because I needed grace from them the next day!

 

I know I am making it sound like a vacation was a bad idea and I want to clarify that....it wasn’t a bad idea.....it was a horrible idea. Just kidding. It is tough though. I always have this perfect picture in my mind about how things will turn out. I think I need to dismantle the picture into bite-size moments. Instead of picturing how much fun the girls are going to have and how they are going to be so happy and grateful I have taken them on an awesome vacation, I need to be a little more realistic. Things will be up and down, we will laugh and we will fight, but we will be storing up family memories. Hopefully, their minds will dwell on the laughter and fun experiences long after we have gone back home. As for me, I have learned an important lesson as well....the next time I will bring a “helper” along...there's got to be a teenager I could trick...I mean talk into coming with us for a little extra cash! It would be money well spent!!

 

Thoughts for today:

                Do you ever play the “Let's See What We Can Get Away With” game with God?

 

                Do you teach your children about grace, the importance of both giving and receiving it?

 

                Do you ask for forgiveness from your child when you have a “bad parenting” moment?

 

 

Speaking Up

Hello All,

It's about time I started Speaking Up and letting you all know what is going on in this crazy life of mine! I have decided to launch out and reach for the big dreams God placed in my heart years ago. For those of you who have known me for a while it will come as no surprise that writing and speaking are where my heart is. I have been blessed to have opportunities to develop both of those skills this last year and I am looking forward with expectancy for what 2009 will bring. 

One of the topics that I speak on is, "The Virtual Meeting: Extending the Reach of Your Meetings and Events," teaching professionals and businesses about how to incorporate virtual components into their events and increase their ROI. Another topic I am now offering is "Social Media Applications." This covers how to use popular sites such as Linked In, Facebook, and Twitter to tap into free marketing.

I do feel like the opportunities are endless when you are doing something you are truly passionate about. I am excited to keep up with all of you by using this blog.